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Periodic Paralysis


STOP RIGHT NOW -- why are you visiting this page? Is somebody controlling you?

That person is me -- here to tell you that you are suffering from mental illness. It is not an easy diagnosis. There are no differences between your brain and a normal one. (Or so they say.) Your paranoid behavior may have started gradually enough to fool siblings or close relatives into joining into your delusional conspiracy universe.

But if you are hearing voices talking inside your head it is possible your brain has been wired to a computer chip that is being controlled by Martians -- or, and I know you won't believe this -- you may have one of the most common forms of Schizophrenia -- a chronic mental illness associated with hallucinations and delusional ideas. It is also seen in sleep deprivation and heavy methamphetamine abusers. (Yes, I know all about your Meth habit and am watching you now from inside your computer.)

As Joseph Heller pointed out in Catch-22, if you think you are crazy then you probably aren't. On the other hand, most paranoid schizophrenics have little insight into their delusional state, and for this reason they can become dangerous -- especially since reasoning is otherwise intact, allowing detailed planning and cunning defensive maneuvers.

Roughly 1% of humans have schizophrenia. This lifelong illness shows a strong genetic tendency, so if you suspect this condition you should immediately get a new set of parents. Then get ready for what will probably be a lifetime of heavy medication.

But cheer up! Paranoia is actually one of the best mental illnesses to have, and is associated with a comparatively good recovery rate. It may be that your well-structured fantasy world is protecting your brain from a more dangerous reality -- that your life is actually meaningless and that you're an unimportant schlemiel. On the other hand, it could be the fault of the Knights of Malta.

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